Young Addict.

You were the addict. You can see that now. He was the provider. The love was uneven and you felt every bit of that discomfort you forced yourself through. You knew all along he couldn’t fully supply your needs. You knew all along that your authentic self would never have the opportunity to shine. You were pretending. Shrinking, and making excuses. His best kept secret. You delicately tiptoed through your days and allowed torment to cuddle you through your nights. 

Face the fact that love wasn’t present, queen. Not for yourself and not from him. You enabled his lack of self-love because you knew no better. And because his lack of love mirrored your own. That’s just how it works. You begged for attention. Creating ailments just to capture his sympathy. Just to reassure yourself that he cared, and that your time and commitment had been worth it. You begged him to pretend he loved you. And so your life became a manifestation of your desperation - the universe gave you someone to pretend to love you just as much as you pretended to love yourself...very little. Infrequent. And his ‘infrequency’ eventually disappeared altogether, as you knew it would. Because it had done so before. Then you were left looking at yourself in the mirror. What a broken sight that was. What a painful sight that was. There was no one else to hide behind. You had to sit alone with the truth. And the truth revealed that it was never about him. It was never about any of them. It was about you.

Then came the recovery. You withdrew in order to get better. If you know what that’s like in any capacity, then you know the memory sticks.

Fast forward to now, where you can more clearly see and feel ‘better.’ Better begins the moment we choose to see and accept ourselves, right? It’s the moment when we commit to showing up as the best versions of ourselves and expect the same from others. It’s the moment when we harness the power within ourselves to cultivate beauty in and around us. It’s the moment we realize that we simply cannot go back. You were the addict, chasing what was outside of yourself to fly high. Then you became your own supplier of love, and compassion. Then you watched your life blossom.

Keep as a reminder your past, and don’t ever forget how uneasy that young addiction felt. Grow from it. Learn to love it. It’s apart of you. They’re a part of your story. Most importantly, those memories are what keep you moving forward…

Love,

Nia

Trust You.

You weren’t sure for quite some time. You didn’t know whether or not they would digest you. You couldn’t stand to think of their opposition. Of your individuality. So you conformed. You conformed for years. You know how it goes... get along with everyone; put others ahead of yourself; always be there for them, etc.. You became really good at it too. One would think you belonged right there. Being a martyr for everyone else’s peace of mind. Neglecting yourself in the name of sacrifice and with secret hopes of external praise.

You realized that you didn’t belong there at all. That framework wasn’t serving you. The discomfort became unbearable. Suffocating, even. You were empty. Until you took a closer look at yourself. What was it that you were missing? How was it that you continued to end up in the same cycle of pouring your half filled self into others.

Hint: You failed to acknowledge that caring for your own story was key. Your pain, and your own suffering; your denial and your rejection of self. What you didn’t know, and were never truly taught, was that you owe yourself constant attention and love. That is the key. You owe your soul and your peace of mind constant attention at a minimum. Every single day.  So you got to it. Every single day.

What came next, was the most beautiful yet draining journey back to self. What came next, was your blossoming spirit. What came next was a warm heart, and a genuine smile of satisfaction when you looked at yourself in the mirror. Love, is what came next.

Love,

Nia

Just, Listen.

He spent over an hour talking about how amazing he was. ‘Peacocking’ for lack of a more colorful word. About all of his growth and healing after nearly 5 years. Of course you were happy for him, why wouldn’t you be? You applaud anyone on a journey to find themself. You commend those brave enough to honor what they find. But all roads led to his successes - the build, the climax and eventually, coasting through life happy, accomplished, and abundant. It all left you speechless.

You were drained. Surely, not at all what you were expecting to feel. You left the table having had no opportunity for your own self expression to shine through.  Not one story, or summary you tried to give reached your ‘worth-the-wait’ punch-line, or your closing power statement of enlightenment. Again, all roads lead back to the validation seeker across form you.

You felt unheard even when you did manage to finish a sentence. Your purpose it seemed, was to just listen and pretend quite skillfully to be enamored. Your engagement was not required and you struggled to re-navigate that space. That familiar but growingly distant territory that consisted of you shrinking and dimming yourself to give security and light to others. It was just as unpleasant as you remembered it to be. That’s why you walked away from that suffocating space, knowing you could never, ever return. You got so tired of pretending to be involved in a dialogue that your participation was not required for. You no longer condoned being interrupted as though your words and your journey were irrelevant. And with this vow in mind, you felt an eagerness to escape that night.

But you did not leave before concluding the following... Listen. Always work intentionally to open your ears and your heart when others are speaking their truth to you. Be curious. Challenge an opposing perspective in a respectful way. That is how you show love. That is how you express that you care. You engage. You put yourself in their shoes and try to experience each story as if you were them. When someone opens up to you there’s a strength they’re trying to harness and when only one party is allowed to show their strength, the other party is left feeling caged into the category of ‘weakness'.

Not everyone will get it. Not everyone you love will get it. You worry about yourself, and be sure to always listen.

Love,

Nia

Just Focus.

You know what you want, and what you deserve. It’s not that you forget, you just put it in the back of your mind time and time again. You’ve been conditioned to believe that the approval is outside of yourself and that validation comes from the other. From another.. You didn’t realize that the only validation index was within self. You didn’t realize that you had the power that they all wanted. You didn’t realize how easily you gave it away.  

Why didn’t you stop to think, that the key to peace was in your hand the whole time? Your perspective and your truth has the power to transform your world and has the power to minimize any limitations. But you refuse to use that power to set yourself free.

Always hold on to and protect that power, because the minute you go outside of yourself you stumble.. You have everything you will ever need within you, and keeping that in mind is an overwhelming responsibility. Others have used your own power to mold you and to limit you. Take it back. Just stay focused you. Just stay focused on your power. Just remember that it starts with you.

Love,

Nia

Be Free.

You cry too much, it makes you look weak. You’re too soft spoken, no one will take you seriously. Stop overthinking everything, it’s not that serious. You’re shy. You’re a slow learner…

What we entertain enters us without us even knowing. Things that intended no harm, but made an impression. An impression only realized through adulting. Things that we’ve used to define ourselves and how big or small life can be. I’ve harbored shame without even knowing. I’ve felt helplessly bonded to titles given to me by strangers and loved ones alike.

Freedom wasn’t always a happy place for me. Freedom didn’t look the way I had imagined it. It didn't look or feel free. Then I humbly learned what freedom really was. Life got brighter when I actively began to work towards that new definition. All it took was intent.

Freedom is defining who you are. To define who you are, you should really get to know who you are. And to do that, you must face accountability. The thing is, accountability is best friends with shame.  And shame hurts. Shame makes you want to hide from yourself. From your truth. Shame made me hide from myself.

But who suffers when we hide? Each of us suffer if we allow freedom and shame to bully us into who we were told to be. How we were told to act. We win when we press forward despite uncertainty, and when we welcome accountability for what it really is. Our teacher.

Teachers open up our world to the unknown. Give yourself the freedom and the permission to be the best teacher you’ll ever know.

Love,

Nia