Lean In

You weren’t sure for quite some time. You didn’t know whether or not they would digest you. You couldn’t stand to think of their opposition. Of your individuality. So you conformed. You conformed for years. You know how it goes... get along with everyone; put others ahead of yourself; always be there for them. You got really good at it too. One would think you belonged right there. Being a martyr for everyone else’s peace of mind. Until you realized that you didn’t belong there at all. The discomfort became unbearable. Suffocating you every single day. The thorn in your side just wouldn’t let up until you went to take a closer look. What were you missing? You were missing your own story. Your pain, and your suffering; your denial and your rejection of self. What you didn’t know, and what you were never truly taught was that you owe yourself constant attention and love. You owe your soul and your peace of mind that much at a minimum. Every single day.  What came next, was the most beautifully draining journey to back to self. What came next, was your blossoming spirit. What came next was a warmed heart when you looked in the mirror. Love, is what came next.

Journeying Through.

She didn’t know the power of love. Or that it could introduce her to a world like this. She had not the slightest clue that love felt better coming from the inside out. She didn't know how soothing her own words of compassion could be and didn't dare 

consider the healing power solitude. That’s why she mindlessly chased togetherness. There was no such world free of her own debilitating thoughts. She wasn’t too familiar with surrender, but one day without warning was forced to let life become the teacher. Then it all shifted. It got really bad before the good but she kept going. Then came a world where empowerment came from forgiveness, peace of mind became a force and love became her super power. Just keep going forward.

Better, Now.

You were the addict. You can see that now. He was the provider. The love was uneven and you felt every bit of that discomfort you forced yourself to endure. You knew all along he couldn’t supply your needs. You knew all along that your authentic self would never have the opportunity to shine. You were pretending. Shrinking, and making excuses. You delicately tiptoed through your days and was tormented with distrust through your nights.  Love wasn’t there, queen. Not for yourself and therefore not for anyone else. You enabled his lack of self because he mirrored your own. That’s just how it works. You begged for attention. Creating ailments just to capture his sympathy - just to feel like he cared for a minute of the months, or even years you had already committed to.. You begged him to pretend he loved you. And so your life became a manifestation of your desperation - you got yourself someone to pretend to love you just as much as you pretended to love yourself...very little - sparse - infrequent. And his ‘infrequency’ eventually disappeared altogether. And you were left looking at yourself in the mirror. What an broken sight that was. The time came where there was no one else to hide behind. 

Then came ‘better.’ Better began the moment we chose to see and accept ourselves, right? It’s the moment where we committed to showing up as the best versions of ourselves and expecting the same from others. It’s the moment where we harness the power within ourselves to cultivate beauty in and around us. You were the addict, fiending for what was outside of yourself. Then you become the supplier of love, compassion and watched life blossom. Keep as a reminder your past and don’t ever forget how uneasy that addiction felt. It continues to move you upwards. It makes ‘better’ worth the pain.